Nadi kinare dhuan uthat,
Main jaoon kachhu hoye,
Jiske karan main jala,
Kahin vahi na jalti hoye,
Lakdi jali bhal koyla,
Koyla jala bhal raakh,
Main premi aisa jala,
Koyla bhaya na raakh.
PART 1 - September 19th, 2001.
Phir vahi nazar, vahi badi badi bhoori aankhen aur phir vahi mujhe dekh kar shokhi ke saath palkon ka jhapkana.
\"Oye sun na, bore ho rahi hoon yaar\"
Aur phir vahi ada ke saath ubaasi lene ka natak karte hue mere kandhe par uska sar ka tikana.
\"Class mein suna karo ke kya bol rahe hain, filhal mere notes copy karke kaam chala rahi ho, aage zindagi mein kya karogi?? \" Hamesha ki tarah mera shikayat karna.
\"Tum hoge na vahan bhi mera saath dene ko, my best friend\" Hamesha ki tarah muskurate hue uska vahi purana jawab.
Best friend. Is label se mujhe nafrat bhi thi aur ye haqeeat bhi thi ke is label ke bina jeena mera muhaal tha.
Mere Humnafas, Mere Humnawa,
Mujhe Dost Ban Ke Daga Na De
Main Hoon sadma-e-Ishq Se Jaan-Valab,
Mujhe Zindagi Ki Dua Na De.
Use shayad khabar bhi nahi ke mere dil mein kya hai. Ke kaise main use dekh dekh jeeta hoon aur kaise mera use dekh dekh hi dam nikalta hai. Uske liye toh main uska sabse achha dost hoon jo uske har achhe bure mein uske saath hota hai. Jab vo hasti hai uske saath hasta hai aur jab vo roti hai toh uske chehre se ashq ponchhne ko sabse pehla jiska haath hota hai. Aey kaash ke use khabar ho ke ye silsila mehez saath hasne aur saath rone se kahin aage nikal chuka hai.
Kaash use khabar ho ke vo hasti hai toh kis tarah mere dil ki dhadkan tez ho jaati hai aur vo ghamzada hoti toh kaise mera dil bethne lagta hai. Aey kaash ke use khabar ho ke kaise main baar baar uski nazar bacha kar uska deedar karta hoon, uske chehre ko apni nazar se chhuta hoon aur ye sochta hoon ke uske bina kabhi jeena pada toh kya karunga. Kaise guzarunga ye din aur kaise kaatunga apni raat.
Sochta hoon ke kaisi hogi zindagi jo yun hi kabhi vo bhi meri mohabbat ka iqraar kar le.
\"Yaar vo kal wala assignment banaya?\"
\"Haan\" Maine jawab diya
Usne usi masoomiyat ke saath apni aankhen gol gol ghumate hue meri taraf dekha aur maine bina kuchh kahe, bina kuhh sune uska matlab samajhte hue kaha ?Shaam ko ghar aakar de jaoonga. Kar lena copy?
\"Thank you so much. You are my best friend\" Vo khushi se kisi chhoti bachchi ki tarah khush hoti aage badhi aur mere gale mein baahen daal kar mujhse lipat gayi.
Best Friend.
Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.
PART 2 - April 21st, 2002
\"Yaar please saath chal na. Main ghar par kya keh kar jaoon ke 3 din ke liye kahan ja rahi hoon?\"
\"Apni doston ke saath, aur kahan\"
\"Mere dad kabhi nahi maanenge is baat ke liye ke akeli ladkiyan shehar se bahar ghoomne ko ja rahi hain. Tu keh de ke saath chal raha hai\"
Phir ek baar uske liye jhooth aur har baar ki tarah is baar bhi khushi se. Aur vo bhi shayad ye baat jaanti hai ke vo kuchh kahe aur main mana kar doon aisa shayad hi kabhi ho.
\"Haq hai mera tumhare uper\"
Aisa vo kehti hai aur aisa main samajhta hoon, manta hoon. Aur chahta hoon ke ye haq bana rahe, isi tarah, hamesha ki tarah, zindagi bhar. Aur koshish karta hoon ke use bata sakun ke main yun hi uske naaz uthana chahta hoon. Jahan vo kadam rakhti hai us zameen ko chommna chahta hoon. Ke uski kadam-bosi karna chahta hoon aur apna dil uske kadamon mein rakhte hue use ye ikhtiyaar dena chahta hoon ke vo chahe toh apna le, vo chahe toh thukra de.
Mujhe Chhod De Mere Haal Par,
Tera Kya Bharosa Hai Chaaragar
Yeh Teri Nawazish-e-Mukhtasar,
Mera Dard Aur Badha Na De.
\"Yaar tu na hota na, seriously bahut akeli hoti main\"
Par main use kaise samjhaoon ke meri kash-makash kya hai. Ke kaise main jab uske saath hota hoon toh mehfil mein bhi hota hoon aur tanhai bhi saath nahi chhodti. Ke kaise uske hone se duniya rangeen ho jaati hai aur lagta hai ke har taraf mehfil hai. Par is khyaal se ke vo meri mohabbat se bekhabar hai, kis qadar udaasi mere dil mein ghar kar leti hai. Kis tarah se bheed ke beech uska haath thaame bhi khud ko akela pata hoon main.
Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.
PART 3 - May 13th, 2003
\"Do you really have to go? I mean you could a job here too\"
Vo poori koshish kar rahi thi ke apni aawaz mein jhalak rahe bhaaripan ko, apne aankhon mein jhalak rahi nami ko chhupa sake par kaamyab nahi ho pa rahi thi.
\"Its just for a few years you know and it will be a boost for my career to start my work life working abroad with a company like that. Down the line i can come back and get a good package to work here\" Maine jawab diya.
\"Or you might just like it there and not come back at all \"
Aur uske is jumle ne jaise hazaron baatein keh di, uska sabse bada darr numaya kar diya.
\" Hey !? Maine uska haath pakadte hue kaha ?We will always stay in touch and when i finally move back here, we will still be friends, Best friends\"
Usne muskurane ki koshish ki par saaf zahir tha ke vo sirf mera dil rakhne ke liye thi. Pata nahi main aisa kyun kar raha hoon, kyun is job ke bahane usse door jaane ki koshish kar raha hoon. Kya sach main apne career ke liye ye kadam utha raha hoon ya sirf isliye ja raha hoon ke usse kuchh din ke liye door ho sakun. Apne us har jazbaat se door ho sakun jo uske naam se shuru hokar uske naam par khatam ho jaate hain.
Kya main isliye door ja raha hoon ke mujhe ek achhi zindagi mil sake ya main ye koshish kar raha hoon ke apne zindagi ko ek alag nazariye se dekh sakun. Ek aisa nazariya jahan meri nazar sirf ek usi ki tasveer na ho. Main aaj tak usse apne dil ki baat nahi keh saka hoon. Kai baar koshish ki hai par har baar zubaan ladkhada jaati hai.
Ek ehsaas jo kabhi dil ko sukoon deta tha ab takleef dene laga hai. Main bahut arse se uske ishq mein deewana hoon aur aaj tak usse is baare mein ek alfaaz kehna toh door, kabhi isharon isharon mein bhi nahi jata saka.
Dil mein hazaron baatein hai, hazaron ehsaas hain jo ab andar hi andar se mujhe todne lage hain. Dam sa ghutne laga hai mera. Lagta hai main ek aisi machine hoon jise ek ek purza kharab ho chuka hai. Mere khyaal, meri soch kabhi usse door hoti hi nahi. Kabhi ek pal ke liye sukoon milta hi nahi.
Na toh keh pata hoon aur na chup raha ja raha hai. Shayad usse kuchh din door rahun toh kuchh sukoon mile.
PART 3 - Dec 13th, 2004
\"Kya hua, tum toh bade bahane bana rahe the ke meri shaadi mein nahi aa paoge, ab kya hua? \"
Mujhe dekh kar vo usi masoomiyat ke saath, kisi chhoti bachchi ki tarah ithlati hui aage badhi aur apne makeup se bekhabar, apne dulhan ke libaas se bekhabar, aas paas khade logon se bekhabar, aur aisi hi tamam cheezon se bekhabar hokar meri gale mein baahen daalti hui lipat gayi.
\"Mujhe pata tha tum zaroor aaoge, bhale lakh kaam ho tumhein. Main bulaoon, aawaz doon aur tum na aao, aisa toh kabhi ho hi nahi sakta\"
Aur aaj uski shaadi hai.
Woh Uthein Hain Leke khum-o-Subu,
Arrey O ?Shakeel? Kahan Hain Tu
Tera Jaam Lene Ko Bazm Mein
Koi Aur Haath Badha Na De!
Aur kisi aur ne haath badha hi diya. Main kinare khada dekhta hi reh gaya, sochta hi reh gaya aur meri kashti ko nakhuda ban kar dariya mein koi aur le gaya. Mere jazbaat zubaan tak aa hi na sake aur vo kisi aur ka jazba ban gayi. Mera dil uske naam par dhadakta hi reh gaya aur kisi aur ne apna naam uske saath jod bhi liya. Meri aankhen uske ehsaas se nam hi reh gayi aur koi aur uski aankhon ka kajal ban gaya.
Usne phone par mujhe bataya tha ke vo shaadi kar rahi hai aur main bahane banane ki koshish karta raha ke kaise mere passport ki koi problem hai, kaise main filhal india nahi aa sakta, kaise mujhe hazaar kaam hain, kaise main filhal bahut busy hoon aur ek vo thi ke muskura kar sirf itna hi kaha ke vo jaanti hai ke main aaonga zaroor.
Aur main ek baar phir uske dar par aa khada hua.
Saalon se badi khwahish thi ke uske dulhan ke roop mein dekhun. Dekhun ke kaise laal rang uske gore rang par phabta hai. Dekhun ke shaadi ki vo chamak, vo raunak uske chehre par kaisi lagti hai. Dekhun ke jab vo ban than kar aaye toh kaise mehfil ki har ladki uske saamne mamooli ho jaaye.
Aur jaisa socha tha vaisa hi aaj ho bhi raha hai, farq sirf itna hai ke laal rang aaj kisi aur ke naam ka hai. Angoothi kisi aur ke naam ki hai, maang ka sindor kisi aur ke naam ka hai.
Aaj vo sar se paon tak kisi aur ke naam ki hai.
Main khada sochta hi reh gaya aur meri duniya jaise neelam ho gayi, kisi aur ke naam ho gayi.
Kabhi jaam lab se laga diya,
kabhi muskurake hata diya,
teri chhed chhad ye saqiya,
meri tashnagi ko bhadha na de.
\"Mujhe pata tha tum aaoge, thank you. You are my best friend\" Vo boli.
Kaise kahoon, kaise samjhaoon ke main usse zyada hona chahta hoon. Ke main usse mohabbat karta hoon. Par kambakht alfaaz hain ke na jaane kyun zubaan tak aakar hi ruk jaate hain. Ehsaas hain ke na jaane kyun dil mein dhadkan ban kar hi dhadakte reh jaate hain. Khwahish hai ke na jaane kyun aankhon se toh numaya hoti hai par lafzon ka roop lekar kabhi zubaan ki sidhiyan nahi utarti.
Na jaane kyun.
PART 4 - Nov 14th, 2006
Aakhri baar use dekha tha to voh laal rang mein thi. Bahut khoobsurat lag rahi thi.
Aaj use dekh raha hoon toh vo safed rang mein, bahut khoobsurat lag rahi hai.
Aakhri baar use dekha tha toh vo mehfil mein thi, bahut khoobsurat lag rahi thi.
Aaj use dekh raha hoon toh vo ab bhi logon se ghiri hui hai, bahut khoobsurat lag rahi hai.
Aakhri baar use dekha tha to vo ghar se vidai le rahi thi, bahut khoobsurat lag rahi thi.
Aaj use dekh raha hoon toh vo phir vidaai le rahi hai, bahut khoobsurat lag rahi hai.
Aakhri baar use dekha tha to log use ghere aansoo baha rahe the, aur vo bahut khoobsurat lag rahi thi.
Aaj bhi log use ghere zaar zaar ro rahe hain, aur vo ek baar phir bahut khoobsurat lag rahi hai.
Par nahi, kuchh farq bhi toh hai.
Jab isse pehle use dekha tha toh vo gehno se ladi hui thi, sar se paon tak sone ki gudiya lag rahi thi. Aur aaj toh use bepanah husn ki shaan badhane ko kuchh bhi nahi. Pehle har chehre chehre par raunak thi, mehfil thi aur aaj toh sirf matam hai, veerani hai. Log tab bhi the, log aaj bhi hain par in sabke beech vo aaj hote hue bhi nahi hai.
Tab jiske gale mein phool the, aaj uski tasveer par phool hain.
Dar-e-yaar par badi dhoom hai,
vahi aashiqon ka hujoom hai,
Abhi neend aayi hai husn ko,
koi shor karke jaga na de.
Par aisa lagta hai ke maut sirf itna hi kar saki ke jism se rooh ko nikal le gayi. Isse zyada shayad maut ke bas mein bhi nahi tha. Vo aaj safed chadar mein lipti jin logon ke beech hai, unmein se har kisi ke chehre par gham hai par jiske liye zamana ghamzada hai vo khud kitni pur-sukoon hai. Vahi raunak jisne zindagi bhar saath diya vo aaj aakhri lamho mein bhi chehre ka saath chhod na saki.
Aur un sab logon ke beech betha main abhaga ye tay hi nahi kar pa raha hoon ke meri duniya aur kitni baar lutegi. Kabhi laal rang mein toh kabhi safed rang mein waqt aur kitni baar mere saath mazak karega. Main jiska haath thaam kar sapne sajana chahta tha, aak vo khud ek khwab bankar maut ka haath thaame jaane kahan chali gayi.
Main khada sochta hi reh gaya aur meri mehfil veeran ho gayi.
Aur phir dil mein khyaal aata hai ke auron ki tarah main bhi zaar zaar ro doon. Beh jaane doon ye dariya jo kabse aankhon mein samete hue hoon. Peet loon main bhi apni chhati, phod loon main bhi apna sar. Ke main bhi aasmaan ki taraf chehra uthaoon aur ek patthar utha kar khuda ki tarah phenkne ki koshish karun. Aur usse shikayat karun, gila karun.
Khyaal aata hai ke jo kabhi masoomiyat ki tarah baar baar chhoti bachchi ki tarah mujhse lipat jaati thi, aaj main uske murda jism se lipat jaoon. Jo baat zindagi bhar usse na keh saka, aaj use apni zubaan tak le aaon. Bethun uske sirahne, rakh loon uska bejaan sar apni god mein, thaam loon uske thande pad chuke haath aur bataoon use ke kaise main apni zindagi ka har pal uske naam kar chuka hoon. Kaise uske dam se meri zinadgi ka dam tha. Ke kaise main usse door hokar bhi hamesha aur sirf usi ka raha.
Peet loon main bhi apni chhati, phod loon main bhi apna sar. Pehenke kala choga, main bhi dhar loon roop Rudaali ka.
Ban jaoon main bhi aaj deewana aur majnu aur ranjha ki tarah main bhi uski mayyat par zamane ko dikha doon ke main usse kis qadar mohabbat karta tha. Jo baat kabhi usse na keh saka, aaj poori duniya se keh doon. Ke rok loon use jaane se. Wasta doon apni dosti ka, shart rakhun apni mohabbat ki aur kahun kuchh aisi baat ke vo palat aaye. Saanson ki rawani, dhadkan ka silsila, jism ki garmi phir laut aaye aur vo yun hi ithlati hui mujhse lipat jaaye.
Maangun koi aisi dua ke mera khuda mujhe meri mohabbat phir lauta de.
Ya phir chalun main bhi uske saath thi. Chahta bhi toh yahi tha ke uske saathi hi rahun, hamesha. Toh kyun na aisa karun ke aaj main bhi uske saath is anjaan safar par nikal padun. Jo kabhi ghar se bahar tak mere bina nahi nikalti thi, aaj use ek anjaan duniya mein akele kaise jaane doon?
Par nahi, main toh bas khamosh betha hoon, jaise hamesha se uske saamne khamosh raha. Aaj bhi bas soch raha hoon ke ye karun, vo kahun par bas ek kone mein betha khamoshi se uske chehre par nazar jamaye hoon. Aaj bhi bas sabki nazar bacha kar, uski nazar bacha kar, uske husn ka deedar kar raha hoon. Aaj bhi soch raha hoon ke kya kahun, kaise kahun.
PART 5 - November 22nd, 2006
Usko gaye aaj 8 din ho gaye hain aur main apne ghar mein apna sar thaame uski tehreer padh raha hoon. Jo kabhi hamesha mere hi notes copy karti thi, usne pehli baar khud kuchh likh kar mujhe bheja hai. Bhejne ki tareekh uski maut se 2 din pehle ki thi.
\"Shaadi ke baad tum aise gaye ke bas gayab hi ho gaye. 2 saal ho gaye hain aur tumhara kuchh pata nahi. Kya ho gaya? Naraz ho mujhse kya? Phone number badal liya aur mujhe bataya tak nahi? Ghar badal liya aur mujhe khabar bhi nahi ki? Ab phone bhi nahi karte? Tumhara ye address bhi badi mushkil se dhoondh paayi hoon ?. sach kahun toh main jaanti hi nahi ke ye sahi bhi hai ya nahi ?
Ek baat thi mere dil mein kaafi arse se so socha ke aaj keh doon. Ek lambe arse tak intezaar karti rahi ke shayad tum kahoge par aisa hua nahi. Shayad maine hamari dosti ka kuchh aur hi matlab nikala aur tumse ek anjaan si ummeed laga bethi thi aur aakhir tak vo ummeed qayam rahi.
Mere paas ab waqt zyada nahi hai aur main nahi jaanti ke main ab tumhein jaane se pehle dekh bhi paoongi ya nahi. So aaj khud hi apne dil ki baat kahe ja rahi hoon. Actually toh mujhe kabhi samajh hi nahi aaya ke tumse kaise kahun aur aaj bhi nahi jaanti ke kaun se shabd likhun isliye college time ki apni diary ke kuchh papers phaad kar post kar rahi hoon. Ummeed hai ke shayad tum padhkar samajh jao ke main kya kehna chah rahi hoon.
Aur ek jhooth bhi bola tha maine tumse. Kahin jaane ke liye main hamesha tumhein isliye bulati thi ke main tumhein saath le jana chahti thi. Tum aane se mana karte the toh jhoonth bol deti thi ke papa jaane nahi de rahe aur tum aakar saath chalne ka bahana karo taaki to permission de den.
Waqt rehte tumhein ye mil gaya aur tum aa sake toh theek varna alvida mere dost. Apna khyaal rakhna. Hamesha Khush Raho.
You were my only and my best friend.\"
Maine diary ke kuchh pages jo usne bheje the padhne shuru kiye.
\"Samajh nahi pa rahi hoon ke kaise main use apne dil ki baat bataoon. Kabhi kabhi uski taraf dekhti hoon toh lagta hai ke vo bhi mujhe chahta hai par vo kuchh kehta hi nahi. Aaj class mein chor nazar se baar baar mujhe dekh raha tha. Vo sochta hai ke mujhe pata nahi chalta par main jaanti hoon ke vo meri aankh bacha kar meri hi taraf dekh raha tha.
Agar chahta hai mujhe toh lallu hai ekdam. Saara din uska haath thaame ghoomti rehti hoon. Ab aur isse zyada kya ishara doon ke main bhi use chahti hoon\"
Uski diary ke pages khatam hone se pehle hi meri aankhon beh chale the. Aaj phir ek baar meri duniya loot li gayi thi. Aaj phir dil chah raha tha ke main cheekh maar kar do roon.
Peet loon main bhi apni chhati, phod loon main bhi apna sar. Pehenke kala choga, main bhi dhar loon roop Rudaali ka.
Phir ek patthar utha kar aasman ki taraf, uperwale ki taraf uchhalun.
Main gham-e-jahan se nidhal hoon,
Ke sarapa dard-o-malal hoon,
Jo likhe hain mere naseeb mein,
vo alam kisi ko khuda na de.
